139 The Professional Counselor | Volume 13, Issue 2 You can go through all kinds of rationalizations, and probably a lot of true thinking about the realities of what led to this, and at the end of the day, you come back to that same conclusion—someone didn’t love me, someone didn’t want me, I was rejected, I’m unlovable, you know, you come back to that. And you sit in that, and that’s what you believe. And no one’s going to tell you any different. It is worth noting that Luke was one of the few participants who stated that his adoptive parents were not honest with him about his status as an adoptee from early on in his life. Luke related first being told he was adopted by a cousin who was taunting him, and Luke’s processing of his identity included some significant challenges to obtain valid information about the circumstances of his birth and adoption. In further discussing this with Luke, he expressed, “Here’s another dead end, or another misinformation, or whatever it is, and I just kind of gave up on that. I will tell you, that creates anger and resentment and loss, and it’s a real double-bind.” In exploring his adoption story, Ivan also reflected on distrust and noted that “When you feel some sort of deception or some sort of awkwardness, that’s what tends to, at least for me, want to dig more and see if there’s something that they’re hiding or something underneath that.” Some of the participants adopted an investigative role in trying to track down information on their birth and adoption. For the participants who related this mission of exploring their roots, the theme of relational distrust occasionally presented itself in the frustrations of pursuing false leads and overcoming dead ends in the search for their origin stories. For Tonya, however, the theme of relational distrust showed up as not trusting that she could be accepted or loved if she didn’t perform perfectly. She struggled with accepting Bs in middle and high school, having to remind herself that “B doesn’t mean bad.” Admittedly, she had to work on her selfesteem. She shared that she felt insecure and that she had to “prove [she] was worth something.” For Tonya, her sense of distrust was seemingly rooted in a self-concept of inadequacy, a feeling that was echoed by Luke, Mike, and other participants. Involvement With Counseling Participants in this study also explored their experience with counseling. These contacts ranged from intense, long-term therapeutic work to a psychological interview prior to being allowed access to adoption records. Although there was significant variation in how much benefit the participants ascribed to this therapeutic contact, the fact that all seven of the adoptees had initiated work with a mental health professional was notable. The participants’ varied responses when asked about counseling as it related to their adoption brought to our awareness this theme that depicts the perceived applicability of engagement with therapeutic services. We discovered that all participants had some level of involvement in working with a counselor. Carla was one of the participants who sought out counseling with multiple clinicians over the course of several years. She summarized her attempts to connect with a counselor this way: I’ve done a fair amount of counseling over the years. Most of it was not with anybody who was adoption savvy. . . . And it really hasn’t stuck until 4 years ago when I started the adoption group and the therapist there is an adoptee as well.
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