The Professional Counselor | Volume 14, Issue 1 91 frequently hear from others in a civilian community, expressing that it was frustrating when friends outside the military told her, “I don’t know how you do it,” to which the participant responded, “I don’t know, you just do it!” Pressure to Be Resilient The spouses also expressed frustration at others’ misperceptions of the expectation that they and their families demonstrate resilience: “When we call military spouses or children resilient, it just seems like a cop out and relinquishes any type of burden . . . or feeling of guilt about a situation that may cause emotional or mental damage” (P3). Another participant echoed this frustration: “Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m being resilient. Sometimes I feel like I’m just doing what needs to be done because that’s what needs to be done” (P8). Another participant described how her friends call me Superwoman because I have all these different things going on and I always seem like I got it together. . . . It’s like saying to me that I have to keep going, no matter what, and I think people should be able to just feel defeated sometimes. Or be able to say “that was just too much for me” or “I don’t really feel like being resilient today, I kind of want to lay in bed and just be upset or sad.” (P4) Given these expectations, one spouse pointed out the danger of expecting military children to consistently demonstrate resilience: It’s so easy for everyone to say that military kids are always so resilient and sometimes they’re not. Sometimes they are stressed out. They are feeling the crushing weight. They feel sad but everyone keeps telling them that they’re resilient. So it almost makes it seem like . . . they aren’t allowed to feel those hard things or talk about those things or act on those feelings and emotions. (P8) One spouse proposed a solution to these misperceptions, emphasizing that resilience is unique for military spouses and should be defined to accurately reflect the way they uniquely overcome challenges: I think it’s important for military spouses to reappropriate that term [resilience] so that it is not weaponized, and I would like to see some sort of guidance as to how we can be resilient but in a way that positively impacts our mental health and physical health and not having to endure all of the things and all of the frustration and uncertainty that comes with the onset of having to be resilient. (P1) Theme 4: Sense of Responsibility for Family’s Resilience With their partners focused on the mission, the spouses described their sense of responsibility to maintain their resilience so they can care for their children in the absence of their active-duty spouse: “We have our husband or our spouses gone so much, we need to be a solid parent at home for our kiddos or our family” (P7). Participant 4 likewise described how “I kind of see myself as holding down the fort, you know, because when my husband is not home it is just me and the kids.” Another explained how “I have three little ones that’s looking up to me and I can’t slip away, depressed, because daddy’s not home” (P2). In the end, the spouses defined resilience as an obligation to their families. Participant 3 described that “I have to be that way for my children.” Participant 4 added that “I think that’s what resilience is like, knowing that you kind of have to carry the load, you know, for your whole family to try to keep us afloat.”
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